The Doctor Who Emergency Fanw*nk Hotline Week 9: ‘Empress of Mars’

This article contains spoilers for The Empress of Mars, which in turn contains spoilers for The Thing.

Press 1 if you thought it was very endearing of NASA to hold their mission control in a lecture theatre.

Press 2 if your fanfic response to this story involves the Seventh Doctor and Ace discovering a load of old punks on Mars who the ‘God Save the Queen’ message to include ‘The fascist regime’ before the forces unknown add ‘PiL were better anyway’.

Press 3 if you’ve spent at least five minutes of your life arguing about the merits of Mirrorlon Death vs Auld Guy Next Door Gives You Your Ball Back But Only Once He’s Jabbed It With Massive Scissors Death

Press 4 if you sit down by the window, pipe in hand, gazing in the middle distance, and say to no one in particular ‘Course, in my day, cyborgs could walk quietly.’

Press 5 if you would like a spin off series in which Friday just walks around the universe sighing at things.

Press 6 if you thought that the Empress of Mars looked strong and stable.

Press 7 if you thought this story reminded you of that charming children’s parable, ‘It’s alright to shite yourself sometimes as long as you shoot the dickhead.’

Press 8 if you assume there’s a blackboard in Gattiss’ candlelit Scribbling Parlour with dozens of Eighties classics scrawled on it, crossed out, and replaced with ‘Sod it, I’ll just put Terminator.’

Press 9 if you think ‘Of course the Doctor likes Frozen, it’s about the triumph of love over brute force and cynicism, plus it has some absolute dogshit parenting in.’

Gleefully mash the * button if you heard Alpha Centauri’s voice, rolled your eyes and thought ‘Oh Gatiss, you scamp.’

Furiously mash the # button if you couldn’t find a bookie who would take your bet on Alpha Centauri returning, not because they thought it was weird, but because the odds weren’t financially viable for them.

You can read our non-spoiler review of Empress of Mars here. Alternatively, have all the spoilers you can handle here.