The Doctor Who Emergency Fanw*nk Hotline Week 7: ‘The Lie of the Land’

This article contains spoilers for ‘The Lie of the Land’, and like ‘The Lie of the Land’ it contains a number of potentially good ideas, many of which will remain unexplored.

Press 1 if – and this may be because you were watching a work in progress version – you feel like subpar photoshopping is the post-2005 series’ jabolite.

Press 2 if you are convinced that Capaldi is on a three-gif-per-episode quota.

Press 3 if you feel like the Monks’ plans for conquest were a tad heteronormative.

Press 4 if you feel it is now canon that the Doctor listens to Wittertainment.

Press 5 if you heard the Doctor say the safest place was by his side, and immediately added it to your list of “Lies the Doctor tells for reasons of narrative necessity.”

Press 6 if you listened to the tape recording Bill made, and thought “Jeez, Lawrence Miles could go full Unquiet Dead on this subtext.”

Press 7 if your main problem with the episode was that the pyramid turned out to be a spaceship all along and now you’re just craving the backstory to their obsession with pyramids, sending you on a journey of discovery as you ultimately write the fanfic where young Monks writing fanfic about the Osirans, then later the Jagaroth are passing a Monk-infested planet and think ‘Ooh, if I were ever split into multiple aspects of myself throughout a planet’s history I think I’d like to introduce monuments of that shape to a pre-Christian civilisation’, and before you know it you’re penpals with Gary Russell.

Press 8 if you thought it was about time the ‘Finding yourself secured in a position of safety against your will while someone else saves the day’ thing happened to the Doctor.

Press 9 if you feel like ‘Version of your Mum you carry around in your head’ provides-a-similar-narrative-function-yet-is-vastly-superior to ‘The most important leaf in human history’.

Furiously mash the # button if you are furious that the show has destroyed the character of the Master and also coincidentally you hate change and want everything to be 1971 forever.

Gleefully mash the * button if MICHELLE GOMEZ MICHELLE GOMEZ MICHELLE GOMEZ

Pre-order the new season on DVD on Amazon here.

Pre-order the new season on Blu-ray on Amazon here.

What did you think of ‘The Lie of the Land’? Let us know below…

Follow Andrew Blair on Twitter here.