Whether you’re a collector parading them on your shelves or a kid playing with them, belly-down on the living room floor, it has to be said that Doctor Who action figures are, largely, very good.

As a soon-to-be uncle, I’m looking forward to having an excuse to play with them.

However, there are some that do make you wonder what the hell the manufacturer was thinking, because they’re characters you really can’t imagine anyone wanting to see outside of the show.

Here are 12 of those such figures: pieces of plastic that no child should part with their pocket money for, nor any collector should ever let see the light of day.

 

Faceless Granny

It’s Christmas morning, 2007. ‘Voyage of the Damned’ will be on later.

Right now though you’re sat in a varied topography of wrapping paper and gifts your ten year-old self will have abandoned by February. There’s one final present. It’s from your auntie, who knows you like ‘that Doctor show’. From the size of it, could this be an action figure? Maybe it’s that Weeping Angel you’ve wanted! Or an Ood! You excitedly tear off the paper and it’s…

An old woman. An old woman with no face. And an ancient TV set with Maureen Lipman emblazoned on it. Maureen Lipman.

Your little fingers loosen their grip against the plastic. You turn to your mum and fake a smile. As you despondently gaze at the blurb on the back of the packaging, she reminds you to write a thank you note to your aunt.

Still, there’s always ‘Voyage of the Damned’ to look forward to…

 

The Editor

It’s a man in a suit. A man who, if you squint close enough, looks a bit like Simon Pegg in ‘The Long Game’ and also a bit like Peter Gabriel from Genesis (the band, not ‘…of the Daleks’).

If you collect things that vaguely resemble Simon Pegg – Star Trek’s Scottie, Shaun of the Dead‘s Shaun, a big curiously-shaped crisp you found in your bag of Salt & Vinegar – then you might enjoy this on your shelf.

Otherwise this is, and I can’t stress this enough, just a man in a suit.

 

Laszlo

Was this an experiment to see if Doctor Who fans really would buy anything with the logo emblazoned on it?

Laszlo the pig-man from – say it quietly now – ‘Daleks in Manhattan’ is 3.75 inches of pure plastic disappointment. If you give this to your child then it’s you who is the monster, not the pig-man.

Still, it’d make your Desperate Housewives action figure collection more interesting.

 

Destroyed Cassandra

Wow, the balls on Character Options for actually making this.

Less a toy, more a boardroom dare that actually succeeded, Destroyed Cassandra is just an empty plastic frame. Y’know, for kids! As if to further punish children and completists with a harsh economic lesson in toy manufacture, Destroyed Cassandra was also repackaged with her force-grown clone Chip, who is also a terrible figure you don’t want.

My advice, if you own one, is to take a picture of your own face and stick it in the GAPING VOID between the plastic, then pretend that you’re the last human.

 

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